Changes
On a recent episode of Oprah, I heard women speaking about the surprises that come with motherhood. One woman announced that no one had informed her that she would “hate her husband.” While I don’t hate David, I have felt differently about him since Ben has come into our life. As a matter of fact, I’ve felt differently about everyone.
Before Ben arrived I was smitten with David. He could do no wrong. I wanted to be around him all the time and I wanted to be physically loving as well as doting. I was able to laugh about little annoying nuances he had . . . they never really bothered me to the point of anger. Now however, if the counter-top isn’t wiped down after he’s been in the general area, I become a raging lunatic. And heaven help everyone if the stove-top has the slightest crumb upon it. Gone are the days where I would giggle at his carelessness and wipe the spots myself. Now I am sure I loudly inform him that it needs to be done or I do it myself with such negative gusto that the neighbors may hear the cabinets slam shut as I pull out cleaner. When did I become this angry hormonally charged stranger? Will I ever return to the woman I had been?
Other relationships have changed as well. Take my mother for instance. I love the woman. I do. We do not, however, see eye to eye all of the time and prior to Ben’s arrival I would voice those differences. Now I am just so impressed by everything she has done for me throughout the years (something not entirely obvious until I attempted to push a large watermelon sized son out of my vagina!) that I don’t find myself voicing any opposition. I couldn’t even tell you something I have disagreed with recently, but it’s been 5 months . . . you would think there was something.
My sister and I have a new endearing quality to our relationship. We use each other as sounding blocks, encyclopedias, sources of affirmation, and best of all . . . we compete through the advances of our children. We will spend entire conversations attempting to one-up one another. Just tonight her son had begun to crawl, but Ben is now holding his own bottle. Then we compared their new funny faces and how impressed the kids are with their own accomplishments. I’m not truly happy until she admits that my son is far more advanced than either of her beautiful boys. I find this strange since I adore her boys and love them as my own.
In all the books I have read preparing myself for pregnancy and motherhood, none of them mentioned the hormonal roller coaster followed by the presumed premanent shift in personal outlook. Suddenly the men I loved are these careless strangers who couldn’t possibly understand my plight and the women in my life can do no wrong and they have been elevated to the level of superhero. Is this normal? From time to time I have a day where I am so in love with David I can’t wait for him to come home and there might even be a two hour window where I consider the up-side of making love (he may or may not be home during that window). What I really wonder is if David has had this huge change in outlook as well. Because to be honest, I don’t think I could handle the fact that I may not be his everything.
What should be mentioned is that David has not run out of the house screaming and he doesn’t throw things at me. If he talked to me the way I occasionally talk to him, I would throw things. The man deserves a medal . . . but he still needs to wipe the counters!
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